Adventures at the Dentist's Office

Hindsight's 20/20. I should have seen those red flags. They were pretty much screaming at me...but did I pay attention? No. Because I had other stuff on my mind. Oh and also because I'm kind of an idiot.

The hard part about moving to a new area of the country (and switching health insurance plans) is that you have to go through the trouble of finding a new kind of doctor for everything. For 21 years I had the same family physician. He was GREAT! And my mom had to shop around A LOT to find someone as good as him. Not only was he brilliant, but he knew my entire history, which really helped when he was trying to diagnose what my problem was when I would go see him. My dentist was the same way. He was mega-boring (I can't count the number of times I heard stories about different tree species and what climates best suit them), but he was really good at what he did. He had an entirely high-tech office (with computerized X-rays that would let him see into my teeth even better than normal X-rays), his hygienists were TOTALLY mean and made you feel like a piece of turd for not flossing as often as you should (which I suppose is a good thing, at least they can see that you're a screwup), and his filling-work was quick and extremely durable. I was sad to say goodbye.

So on my new insurance plan, I was given a list of dentists in the area who accept my insurance. Well, I've been having some serious tooth-grinding issues lately which result in migraines, so I decided it was time to make an appointment for a cleaning and some X-rays to make sure I still had enamel.

PIECE OF ADVICE: Don't ever just go with the first name on the list.

Because that's what I did. I don't know why I didn't just walk out after stepping though the door. Maybe it's because I'm a dummy.

RED FLAG #1:
The dentist's office was in fact a "commodious" double wide. Oh the South. You should never have your teeth touched by people who work in a double wide.

RED FLAG #2:
The double wide had floor-to-ceiling wood panelling. It was kind of like a cabin. But I don't want to get my teeth fixed in a log cabin in the wilderness. But what really gave it that rustic (read: creepy) feel was...

RED FLAG #3:
The deer heads and giant preserved fish that adorned the walls of the wood panelled waiting room. I wonder if he practices dentistry on the animals he preserves.

RED FLAG #4:
The first thing the hygienist says upon opening my mouth is, "OH MAH GAWD! YOU HAVE ALL YOUR TEEEEEETH!"

::sigh::

The fact that someone whose profession includes looking at people's teeth all day long is surprised to have a patient with a full set of teeth is unsettling. More unsettling than that is the fact that she continued to comment on the number of teeth that I have:

"WOOOWWWW!! You got all 28 in there, dontcha? They are just SOOOO STRAIGHT!!" But here's the real kicker. I have a couple of fillings in some molars, and they're filled with porcelain so that they match the color of my teeth. Those kinds of fillings are fairly commonplace in today's world, so a dentist or hygienist should have no problem at all identifying them. Or so you'd think. I learned not to expect too much of anybody...even if it's their job. She said "GAWD, yer fillins are so good that I cain't even see em!"

Great. That makes me feel super awesome.

So I let her clean my teeth and was just hopeful that at least the dentist would know a thing or two. (Ha! There goes my silly imagination again...imagining a world where dentists knew a thing or two about teeth.)

RED FLAG #5: The dentist comes in, opens my mouth to have a look, and what does he say?

"OH WOW! YOU HAVE ALL YOUR TEETH!"

He also looked at my x-rays, told me that because I grind my teeth I have TMJ in my jaw. His brilliant doctor solution (that he went to dental school for) was this: "Stop grinding your teeth. Also, you can take Advil if you need it." BRILLIANT!

On my to-do list? Find a new dentist. Because it's probably a good idea to have a dentist for whom a full set of teeth is not a "rare find."

It's not like I'm an adult capable of having a child or anything...oh wait...

It's like life finds ways of confirming my theories anew every day. Last time, if you recall (and if you don't, just scroll down 1 entry), we discussed how people never mature mentally past the age of 10. Stupid questions. Not following directions. The usual. But because of those people, I am consistently treated like I'm 10. And they assume that they know more about me and the way my body works than I do. What a bunch of sillies.

I went to a "new-patient orientation" at the OB clinic this week. I've discovered that if there is any way to possibly avoid an event or meeting with the word "orientation" in it, that's probably the best option. Because boy was it a good use of my time. *note the sarcasm* We were visited by a lactation consultant, a worker from the clinic, and a nutritionist. HA! Nutritionists are the biggest quacks of them all. She was about 5,000,000 years old (give or take a few years), and she had the most horrible southern twang. The kind that grates on the nerves...all the way down to the depths of your being. Like when you're hungover and you have one of those migraines that pounds behind your eyes and in your ears. That's what her voice was like. Plus she said the word "salmon" exactly how it's spelled which just chaps my ass!

Mispronunciations and horrible accents aside, the worst part was that she talked to us like we were kids in a classroom. Like we were incapable of determining "healthy" from "unhealthy." It's not like we're all adults here having babies and whatnot...oh except we are. And it's not like we've been able to feed ourselves for most of our lives...oh wait! For example:

Nutritionist: Now, can y'all tell me why vegetables are important?

wait...

wait...

Me: because they're good for you.

Nutritionist: yes, very good.

Seriously? that was it? do we really need to be going over this?! I have some better things to do with my time. My favorite part, though, was when she asked about "what's better for you?"

Nutritionist: Now, y'all, what do y'all think is better for you and your baby? A double-chocolate seven layer cake? or an apple?

REALLY!? And she waited for someone to answer. She wouldn't move on or just assume we weren't a bunch of retards. In my own fantasy world (on which I rely quite often to keep myself from just standing up and leaving meetings like this) it went like this:

Nutritionist: Now, y'all, what do y'all think is better for you and your baby? A double-chocolate seven layer cake? or an apple?

Me: Well, if I'm allergic to apples, I would say the cake would be better.

Nutritionist: Well, assume you're not allergic to apples.

Me: You know what happens when you assume....you make an "ass" of "u" and "me"

Nutritionist: Y'all! SALMON!

Me:?

Nutritionist: Well let's say you're not allergic to apples. Or just pick a fruit you're not allergic to. What would be better?

Me: It depends on if I wash the fruit or not. Lots of people don't wash their fruit before eating it. So the question becomes: What's better for me? Listeria, Salmonella, and E. Coli? Or delicious fudgy goodness that is cooked and is a delicious explosion in my mouth?

And then I laugh and laugh and laugh and go eat some cake.

But the BEST part (for real now) was the booklet she gave us that has the "sample menu" in it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm sorry, but I just have to write this down:

Breakfast

• bagel
• dry cereal
• hot tea
  

Snack

• banana

Lunch

• white bread
• baked potato
• crackers
• apple juice

Snack

• crackers
• sprite

Dinner

• white bread
• whipped potatoes
• crackers
• milk

Snack

• cream of wheat

I actually laughed out loud. I was a little worried, too, because if this is the menu that this "nutritionist" recommends, then I'm seriously worried about the kind of crazies they hire there. SERIOUSLY. I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no fat or protein in that menu. ANYWHERE!! I mean sure, if you're the type who wants their baby born without muscle, brain, or internal organs, then by all means stick to this menu. How is this ever recommended?!

DECIDED! I will now become a nutritionist. I'm sure they're paid nicely. And apparently education and common sense are not requirements! I'm in.

Does it confuse anyone else that this woman (who recommends the aforementioned menu to anyone...especially people who have human beings trying to develop inside them) has a job as a professional nutritionist? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

The 4 Worst Words: "Are there any questions?"

They say those who can't do, teach (and those who can't teach, teach gym). I never really appreciated or understood this fully until just earlier this week. The majority of my teachers growing up (and in college) were brilliant and really had a firm grasp on what it was they were teaching. They liked students, they liked their course material, and they cared about students loving what they themselves loved. They could teach because they could do. If that makes sense. College was perhaps an little different because those teachers all had PhD's and it was a private school. But I (proudly) grew up in the public school system. Until recently, I didn't realize what an exception my public school experience was.

Well, in my search for work, I have come to realize that I would really LOVE to teach high school economics if possible. I know economics. I like economics. And I like high-school students. So I did some investigation and found out the necessary steps in order to become a teacher in my county. Step 1 is to attend a "Newcomer's Oreintation" where a representative from the school board comes and talks about the basics of being a school district employee...like "drugs are bad" and "don't touch kids."

Now at this meeting, there were about 75 people. And that's a lot for one of these meetings. But having so many people truly revealed a lot about the nature of people and brought new meaning to the phrase "Those who can't do, teach...or try to teach." For instance, the theme for this meeting should have been "Those who can't follow directions, teach...and then get mad at their kids for not following directions and wonder why they just don't seem to be listening." I felt like I was in the classroom as a student. You know, like when you're in 5th grade and it goes a little like this:

Teacher: Today we're going to talk about art. Can someone give me an example of a kind of art?

Johnny: Paintings!

Teacher: Yes, paintings are art.

Megan: Sculptures!

Teacher: Sculptures are art, too. Anyone else have an example?

Suzie: Um, my grandma has corns on her toes.

Teacher: ::sigh::

Megan: ::double sigh::

Well let me tell you a little something that I learned...people never really change. If they don't pay attention or know how to follow directions when they're kids, they NEVER learn how to. And they'll do the same thing at 45 as they did when they were in grade school. Like when the instructor says, "Please save all personal or case-specific questions for the very end so that we can get through this whole packet. There are a lot of people here and it's hot." So what happens? Exactly what you'd expect:

Instructor: Alright, so addiction to alcohol or other drugs is considered abuse. Don't do it....are there any questions?

Me: ::thinking::oh shit, he just opened up the floor to questions. we're gonna be here ALL DAY!::

Man in the front: Um, I disagree. Because technically addiction is not abuse. You can be an alcoholic and not have a drink, but you're still addicted. So addiction is not abuse.

Instructor: Okay, well the point is that you shouldn't be abusing alcohol or using drugs if you're going to be working in this school system. Or ever, really.

Man: But you can't say that addiction is abuse. It's NOT! My grandpa was an alcoholic, but he didn't drink the last 20 years of his life so he was still addicted but he wasn't abusing.

Instructor: Ok. But don't do drugs or be a drunk. I think we all understand.

Lady in the back: Well I've known plenty of alcoholics, and they don't do other drugs.

Me: ::oh my gosh. I need to leave now::

Other Guy in front: Okay, so it's like this. I'm addicted to food. For real, y'all. And if I eat all the time throughout the day, then I would be abusing food. I have to use it in moderation. Plus I just can't eat in the classroom through every class. That's abuse, ok?

Lady: Yeah, but if you use marijuana even once then it's abuse. It's not like food.

Other Lady: I knew someone addicted to cocaine once...

...and it's right about there that I stopped paying attention...

I really don't understand what was so hard about the idea "Don't do drugs. Addiction is bad. Get yourself some help." People just like to hear themselves talk. One of the BEST (read: WORST!) parts of the day was when it came to the topic of "Is it ok to touch the students?"

Instructor: You may not touch students unless they are an immediate threat to themselves or other students. Elementary teachers, I understand kids like to give hugs...you may hug back (I like the sideways hug), but you may not initiate the contact.

PE Teacher: What if I want to give them high-fives? Do they have to initiate for it to be ok?

Me: ::No grown man should be high-fiving anyone...especially kids...unless you look forward to getting made fun of. Because no matter how cool you think you are, you are not. You're the gym teacher and the kids don't "relate" to you better because you give the high five.::

Instructor: Um, fine. High fives are fine

Lady: What about fist pounds?

Man: Or what if something that a kid does merits a handshake? Is that ok?

Other lady: Pats on the back?

Other man: My grandpa was an alcoholic...

Special Ed Teacher: Well this one time I had a classroom full of autistic, three-armed hermaphrodites with no toes and they would only calm down when I'd tickle their feet...is that ok?

What happened to the direction, "Specific questions should be saved for the end?" Well apparently everyone thinks their question is the most important. Maybe someone else had the same experience with the toeless, three-armed, ticklish autistic kids. YOU DON'T KNOW!

So at the end of the day, I was at even more of a loss as to why I don't have a job yet. Not to toot my own horn...but I think I have a better grasp on the world around me than the majority of the people there. And I can say with certainty that my listening skills and ability to follow directions are far superior to those of my "peers." For example, it's pretty much common sense that 1. you shouldn't do drugs of any type, 2. Parents are not comfortable with their children being taught by drunks or druggies, and 3. You shouldn't touch students...even if it's a hug. I seemed to understand this clearly from the packet (not to mention just understanding this as common knowledge prior to attending the meeting.)

Good news is--due to the intense migraine that happily took up residence in the left side of my head about 3 hours into the orientation, I got to excuse myself several times to go throw up, so I didn't have to hear ALLL the questions. But I did get to hear most of the gems. Now I know that if I ever have to be in charge of a classroom of 15 kids who like to be tickled, I need to tickle their spirits and not their feet.