Adventures at the Dentist's Office

Hindsight's 20/20. I should have seen those red flags. They were pretty much screaming at me...but did I pay attention? No. Because I had other stuff on my mind. Oh and also because I'm kind of an idiot.

The hard part about moving to a new area of the country (and switching health insurance plans) is that you have to go through the trouble of finding a new kind of doctor for everything. For 21 years I had the same family physician. He was GREAT! And my mom had to shop around A LOT to find someone as good as him. Not only was he brilliant, but he knew my entire history, which really helped when he was trying to diagnose what my problem was when I would go see him. My dentist was the same way. He was mega-boring (I can't count the number of times I heard stories about different tree species and what climates best suit them), but he was really good at what he did. He had an entirely high-tech office (with computerized X-rays that would let him see into my teeth even better than normal X-rays), his hygienists were TOTALLY mean and made you feel like a piece of turd for not flossing as often as you should (which I suppose is a good thing, at least they can see that you're a screwup), and his filling-work was quick and extremely durable. I was sad to say goodbye.

So on my new insurance plan, I was given a list of dentists in the area who accept my insurance. Well, I've been having some serious tooth-grinding issues lately which result in migraines, so I decided it was time to make an appointment for a cleaning and some X-rays to make sure I still had enamel.

PIECE OF ADVICE: Don't ever just go with the first name on the list.

Because that's what I did. I don't know why I didn't just walk out after stepping though the door. Maybe it's because I'm a dummy.

RED FLAG #1:
The dentist's office was in fact a "commodious" double wide. Oh the South. You should never have your teeth touched by people who work in a double wide.

RED FLAG #2:
The double wide had floor-to-ceiling wood panelling. It was kind of like a cabin. But I don't want to get my teeth fixed in a log cabin in the wilderness. But what really gave it that rustic (read: creepy) feel was...

RED FLAG #3:
The deer heads and giant preserved fish that adorned the walls of the wood panelled waiting room. I wonder if he practices dentistry on the animals he preserves.

RED FLAG #4:
The first thing the hygienist says upon opening my mouth is, "OH MAH GAWD! YOU HAVE ALL YOUR TEEEEEETH!"

::sigh::

The fact that someone whose profession includes looking at people's teeth all day long is surprised to have a patient with a full set of teeth is unsettling. More unsettling than that is the fact that she continued to comment on the number of teeth that I have:

"WOOOWWWW!! You got all 28 in there, dontcha? They are just SOOOO STRAIGHT!!" But here's the real kicker. I have a couple of fillings in some molars, and they're filled with porcelain so that they match the color of my teeth. Those kinds of fillings are fairly commonplace in today's world, so a dentist or hygienist should have no problem at all identifying them. Or so you'd think. I learned not to expect too much of anybody...even if it's their job. She said "GAWD, yer fillins are so good that I cain't even see em!"

Great. That makes me feel super awesome.

So I let her clean my teeth and was just hopeful that at least the dentist would know a thing or two. (Ha! There goes my silly imagination again...imagining a world where dentists knew a thing or two about teeth.)

RED FLAG #5: The dentist comes in, opens my mouth to have a look, and what does he say?

"OH WOW! YOU HAVE ALL YOUR TEETH!"

He also looked at my x-rays, told me that because I grind my teeth I have TMJ in my jaw. His brilliant doctor solution (that he went to dental school for) was this: "Stop grinding your teeth. Also, you can take Advil if you need it." BRILLIANT!

On my to-do list? Find a new dentist. Because it's probably a good idea to have a dentist for whom a full set of teeth is not a "rare find."