I went to a "new-patient orientation" at the OB clinic this week. I've discovered that if there is any way to possibly avoid an event or meeting with the word "orientation" in it, that's probably the best option. Because boy was it a good use of my time. *note the sarcasm* We were visited by a lactation consultant, a worker from the clinic, and a nutritionist. HA! Nutritionists are the biggest quacks of them all. She was about 5,000,000 years old (give or take a few years), and she had the most horrible southern twang. The kind that grates on the nerves...all the way down to the depths of your being. Like when you're hungover and you have one of those migraines that pounds behind your eyes and in your ears. That's what her voice was like. Plus she said the word "salmon" exactly how it's spelled which just chaps my ass!
Mispronunciations and horrible accents aside, the worst part was that she talked to us like we were kids in a classroom. Like we were incapable of determining "healthy" from "unhealthy." It's not like we're all adults here having babies and whatnot...oh except we are. And it's not like we've been able to feed ourselves for most of our lives...oh wait! For example:
Nutritionist: Now, can y'all tell me why vegetables are important?
wait...
wait...
Me: because they're good for you.
Nutritionist: yes, very good.
Seriously? that was it? do we really need to be going over this?! I have some better things to do with my time. My favorite part, though, was when she asked about "what's better for you?"
Nutritionist: Now, y'all, what do y'all think is better for you and your baby? A double-chocolate seven layer cake? or an apple?
REALLY!? And she waited for someone to answer. She wouldn't move on or just assume we weren't a bunch of retards. In my own fantasy world (on which I rely quite often to keep myself from just standing up and leaving meetings like this) it went like this:
Nutritionist: Now, y'all, what do y'all think is better for you and your baby? A double-chocolate seven layer cake? or an apple?
Me: Well, if I'm allergic to apples, I would say the cake would be better.
Nutritionist: Well, assume you're not allergic to apples.
Me: You know what happens when you assume....you make an "ass" of "u" and "me"
Nutritionist: Y'all! SALMON!
Me:?
Nutritionist: Well let's say you're not allergic to apples. Or just pick a fruit you're not allergic to. What would be better?
Me: It depends on if I wash the fruit or not. Lots of people don't wash their fruit before eating it. So the question becomes: What's better for me? Listeria, Salmonella, and E. Coli? Or delicious fudgy goodness that is cooked and is a delicious explosion in my mouth?
And then I laugh and laugh and laugh and go eat some cake.
But the BEST part (for real now) was the booklet she gave us that has the "sample menu" in it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm sorry, but I just have to write this down:
Breakfast
- bagel
- dry cereal
- hot tea
- banana
- white bread
- baked potato
- crackers
- apple juice
- crackers
- sprite
- white bread
- whipped potatoes
- crackers
- milk
- cream of wheat
I actually laughed out loud. I was a little worried, too, because if this is the menu that this "nutritionist" recommends, then I'm seriously worried about the kind of crazies they hire there. SERIOUSLY. I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no fat or protein in that menu. ANYWHERE!! I mean sure, if you're the type who wants their baby born without muscle, brain, or internal organs, then by all means stick to this menu. How is this ever recommended?!
DECIDED! I will now become a nutritionist. I'm sure they're paid nicely. And apparently education and common sense are not requirements! I'm in.
Does it confuse anyone else that this woman (who recommends the aforementioned menu to anyone...especially people who have human beings trying to develop inside them) has a job as a professional nutritionist? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Geez! I think a random person off the street could have done a better job at giving you info about 'nutrition.' I went to an OB Orientation at Vance which was very helpful (reps from both hospitals, the ped. doctor, free stuff, etc) but there were definitely moments when I raised my eyebrow such as when our nutritionist told us we should take our prenatal vitamins on an empty stomach in the morning.... yeah, that's great except that the one time I did this it was the worst life decision ever considering I emptied the contents of my stomach about 3 minutes later. Hope your pregnancy is going well- now go eat some cake!
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