Well, in my search for work, I have come to realize that I would really LOVE to teach high school economics if possible. I know economics. I like economics. And I like high-school students. So I did some investigation and found out the necessary steps in order to become a teacher in my county. Step 1 is to attend a "Newcomer's Oreintation" where a representative from the school board comes and talks about the basics of being a school district employee...like "drugs are bad" and "don't touch kids."
Now at this meeting, there were about 75 people. And that's a lot for one of these meetings. But having so many people truly revealed a lot about the nature of people and brought new meaning to the phrase "Those who can't do, teach...or try to teach." For instance, the theme for this meeting should have been "Those who can't follow directions, teach...and then get mad at their kids for not following directions and wonder why they just don't seem to be listening." I felt like I was in the classroom as a student. You know, like when you're in 5th grade and it goes a little like this:
Teacher: Today we're going to talk about art. Can someone give me an example of a kind of art?
Johnny: Paintings!
Teacher: Yes, paintings are art.
Megan: Sculptures!
Teacher: Sculptures are art, too. Anyone else have an example?
Suzie: Um, my grandma has corns on her toes.
Teacher: ::sigh::
Megan: ::double sigh::
Well let me tell you a little something that I learned...people never really change. If they don't pay attention or know how to follow directions when they're kids, they NEVER learn how to. And they'll do the same thing at 45 as they did when they were in grade school. Like when the instructor says, "Please save all personal or case-specific questions for the very end so that we can get through this whole packet. There are a lot of people here and it's hot." So what happens? Exactly what you'd expect:
Instructor: Alright, so addiction to alcohol or other drugs is considered abuse. Don't do it....are there any questions?
Me: ::thinking::oh shit, he just opened up the floor to questions. we're gonna be here ALL DAY!::
Man in the front: Um, I disagree. Because technically addiction is not abuse. You can be an alcoholic and not have a drink, but you're still addicted. So addiction is not abuse.
Instructor: Okay, well the point is that you shouldn't be abusing alcohol or using drugs if you're going to be working in this school system. Or ever, really.
Man: But you can't say that addiction is abuse. It's NOT! My grandpa was an alcoholic, but he didn't drink the last 20 years of his life so he was still addicted but he wasn't abusing.
Instructor: Ok. But don't do drugs or be a drunk. I think we all understand.
Lady in the back: Well I've known plenty of alcoholics, and they don't do other drugs.
Me: ::oh my gosh. I need to leave now::
Other Guy in front: Okay, so it's like this. I'm addicted to food. For real, y'all. And if I eat all the time throughout the day, then I would be abusing food. I have to use it in moderation. Plus I just can't eat in the classroom through every class. That's abuse, ok?
Lady: Yeah, but if you use marijuana even once then it's abuse. It's not like food.
Other Lady: I knew someone addicted to cocaine once...
...and it's right about there that I stopped paying attention...
I really don't understand what was so hard about the idea "Don't do drugs. Addiction is bad. Get yourself some help." People just like to hear themselves talk. One of the BEST (read: WORST!) parts of the day was when it came to the topic of "Is it ok to touch the students?"
Instructor: You may not touch students unless they are an immediate threat to themselves or other students. Elementary teachers, I understand kids like to give hugs...you may hug back (I like the sideways hug), but you may not initiate the contact.
PE Teacher: What if I want to give them high-fives? Do they have to initiate for it to be ok?
Me: ::No grown man should be high-fiving anyone...especially kids...unless you look forward to getting made fun of. Because no matter how cool you think you are, you are not. You're the gym teacher and the kids don't "relate" to you better because you give the high five.::
Instructor: Um, fine. High fives are fine
Lady: What about fist pounds?
Man: Or what if something that a kid does merits a handshake? Is that ok?
Other lady: Pats on the back?
Other man: My grandpa was an alcoholic...
Special Ed Teacher: Well this one time I had a classroom full of autistic, three-armed hermaphrodites with no toes and they would only calm down when I'd tickle their feet...is that ok?
What happened to the direction, "Specific questions should be saved for the end?" Well apparently everyone thinks their question is the most important. Maybe someone else had the same experience with the toeless, three-armed, ticklish autistic kids. YOU DON'T KNOW!
So at the end of the day, I was at even more of a loss as to why I don't have a job yet. Not to toot my own horn...but I think I have a better grasp on the world around me than the majority of the people there. And I can say with certainty that my listening skills and ability to follow directions are far superior to those of my "peers." For example, it's pretty much common sense that 1. you shouldn't do drugs of any type, 2. Parents are not comfortable with their children being taught by drunks or druggies, and 3. You shouldn't touch students...even if it's a hug. I seemed to understand this clearly from the packet (not to mention just understanding this as common knowledge prior to attending the meeting.)
Good news is--due to the intense migraine that happily took up residence in the left side of my head about 3 hours into the orientation, I got to excuse myself several times to go throw up, so I didn't have to hear ALLL the questions. But I did get to hear most of the gems. Now I know that if I ever have to be in charge of a classroom of 15 kids who like to be tickled, I need to tickle their spirits and not their feet.
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