Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Moral of the story? You should only be friends with those you can use.

I have a bone to pick with whoever the heartless selfish person is who came up with the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer story. It's not a Christmas story. It's not even a HAPPY story. It's miserable and depressing and disheartening for those of us who aren't born with red noses.

Here's why:

So Rudolph is born different. He has a shiny red nose. Great, right? WRONG. Because of his "deformity" his father hates him (and my guess is that he beats him...but the claymation version edited those parts out). His mother and father make him cover up his special talents so that he can be a conformist and so that he can have shallow friends like they have. Awesome. It's better to have a lot of jackasses as your "friends" than to have people who actually like you. That's what we should all be teaching our kids.

Aside from his father beating him and making him pretend that he's normal...he is mocked and taunted by the others for being different. So he peaces out...good for you, Rudolph! Then, of course he goes to see the Misfit Toys. They're my favorite. Who wants a regular fruitcake cowboy when you can have an AWESOME one that rides a bird? Because when those normal cowboys on horses have a race with the one on the bird, guess who's gonna win every time? BIRD. Because the bird can fly and take a fat dump on the head of both the rival cowboy AND his stupid land-bound horse. Suckers.

Back to my rant--alright well no one wants anything to do with Rudolph because he looks different. But then what happens? UH-OH Santa! What are you gonna do...a force of nature prevents you from navigating your fat ass through the air. You're gonna let a little fog stop you? Looks like SOMEONE is regretting his decision to not shell out a couple of extra bucks to get some headlights installed on his piece-of-crap sleigh. Santa's a cheapskate. So now what's your only choice...looks like Rudolph's got the goods. Too bad everyone was horrible and mean to him. They go and beg Rudolph to help them out. Because Rudolph is the only redeemable character (save the misfit toys), and he actually took some time to form his conscience like we are all called to do, he says yes. Then everyone celebrates and everyone wants to be his friend and Clarice, that harlot, gives him a kiss. She's just a slutty gold digger. Everyone's happy. The end.

WHOA. WHOA WHOA, WAIT! Hold up. The end?! So they are all only friends with him because he's useful. Let's imagine a different ending. Suppose there was no fog. Suppose it was the most crystal-clear, beautiful Christmas Eve night ever. And the other reindeer were able to lug Santa's massive rump all over the planet. And they didn't need Rudolph's nose. What then? Answer: none of those reindeer (or Santa) would have given Rudolph a second thought. They would have gone on with their lives and been happy that they didn't have to go ask the red-nosed loser to come help them.

Now let's think about this in the context of Christmas. REAL Christmas. What's the essence and spirit of Christmas? No, it's not about stuffing stockings. It's not about getting presents. It's not about being cheery and merry. And it's certainly not about utilitarianism. It's about our redemption. It's about the Holy Family finally being complete in the birth of Christ. It's about Mary and Joseph hiding and frightened because Herod was trying to track down and kill their child...but knowing that God would protect them and guide them. It's about the celebration of Mary's "yes." It's about being joyful...TRULY joyful. Joyful is not synonymous with happy. Joy rests in the certainty that Christ is come. And what does Rudolph's story teach us? That friends are defined as those who are useful. You can hate them, unless they have something you want/need, then you can be their pretend friend until you're done with them and you've gotten what you need.

What else does it tell us? That if you don't have something to contribute to society, then you're useless and you really have no value as a human being and you belong in exile.

Conclusion: My children will NEVER EVER be allowed to watch the Rudolph Christmas special. They can watch Charlie Brown (because that tree is awesome and Linus is the BOMB!), and they can watch the 30-minute cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. That one is good because it's about repentance and conversion. YESSSS.

I also have my list of Christmas "Must-Watch" movies. It's not like I have anything against Santa. I like some Santa movies. I just hate that selfish Santa in Rudolph. Here's my list:

Jingle All the Way
Christmas Vacation
Elf
The Santa Claus
It's a Wonderful Life
The Godfather

1 comment:

  1. Megan, you've made some very valid points. The Charlie Brown Christmas movie is definitely tops in the kids' category in my opinion. My 2 cents about Rudolph: Why does his nose have to make that OBNOXIOUS noise makes when it's the center of attention? Honestly, like it doesn't already bring enough attention to itself?

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