Is your dog the fat kid in obedience school...?

Quote of my month:

Me: "Aw, look at how cute Lenny (my dog) is. He's licking my toes! Heehee!"

My Husband: "Gross"

Lenny: ::starts licking his own butt::

Me: "Oh, Lenny, that's gross! Why are you licking your butt?"

My Husband: "He's probably trying to get the taste of your toes out of his mouth"

This quote has absolutely nothing to do with the substance of this post. I just thought it was entertaining.

Sometimes there are people who make me just say "um, what." They are technically entrepreneurs who make their money by preying on the crazies who exist in America today. The label "crazies" applies to a wide range of people. There are Environmental Crazies, New Age Crazies, Pets-are-People-Too Crazies, Compulsive-QVC-Shopping Crazies, and Californians just to name a few. My favorite, by FAR, are the New Age Crazies, because often they overlap with every other group. You'll find those New Age folks just about everywhere except Adoration (ah, my sweet refuge). Right...so most of these people are the EASIEST to market to, and there's all kinds of crap and services you can sell them because they think they "need" these things.

Just as an example, there are people who make money off of Snuggies for Dogs. Snuggies....for DOGS! It's not like they have a fur coat or anything that they can wear around 24/7...er...wait. But you know what? PEOPLE BUY THAT STUFF!! And, of course, I'm talking about more than just those folks who buy it as a gag gift for their exceptionally tiny college friends who would probably fit in the Dog Snuggie with room to spare (haha. Short people are funny.) Someone has made a crap-ton of money off of this. Good for you, whoever you are. You've captured the spirit of the American Dream--sell crap and get rich doing it. Doggy sweaters/clothes and designer water bowls fall into this category.

People who dig the "New Age healing" are the BEST. Light therapy. HA! I could totally do this..."here, I have these special aura-cleansing lights. I see that your aura is clouded and dark, do you have pain and suffering in your life right now? Ah, lie down and let me shine my colored aura-cleansers on you. You'll be feeling energized again in no time. [now insert some kind of bullshit using scientific words] Oh, well the photons from all along the spectrum will activate the protons all over your body and equalize the electrons...so that there's no negative energy or charge. Just positive. We're all about the positive here. Your aura will be shining brighter than before." Win. I'd buy myself some strobe lights and one of those colored lamps from target for $39.99, and then I'd charge $100 for a consultation and initial evaluation. Then I'll have a 6-session package or a 12-session package, with each 60-minute session for the low price of $499! Get $50 toward your next treatment if you refer a friend! You KNOW there are people who would swear by this and come in for treatments.

What about the people who feel emotionally and spiritually connected with various animals. Like they have some sort of intimate spiritual relationship with Grizzly Bears. "AH, the bear spirit awakens my soul. He speaks to me." Yeah yeah. This is PERFECT! I'd market a body cream to these folks, made from Grizzly Bear milk and pine extract. Use it before your next camping trip and you know what? The bears will approach you as one of their own and accept you as a friend. They'll invite you over to their den for dinner where you'll sup on fresh honey and wild Alaskan salmon. Included with every 20-oz jar of "Beary Smooth" is a Bear sign language translation guide...so that you can communicate more effectively with our furry brethren. I'm so money.

But there's one thing that I've been thinking about since I was a kid. My brother and I would throw around ideas about this kind of business, and now that I've had a little more experience in the real world, I think there might just be something there. This goes back to the Pets-are-People-Too Crazies. You know how there are are commercials for dog food that are designed for overweight animals? I personally think that it is (in all sincerity) a good idea, because pets aren't meant to be so fat that they can't move...they need to be able to run around and play and go for walks without having their bellies drag on the ground. These commercials/products are for serious people who are concerned about their dogs' fat asses...and health. But I think we can take that further...time to market to the Crazies. Here's what I propose: pet gyms and plastic surgery for animals--because your dog has a right to feel like the beautiful, confident pekingese that she is. Play on the Crazies' fears. "Is your dog the fat kid in obedience school? Do the other dogs make fun of him? Does he sit by himself at the lunch bowl while the other, fitter dogs laugh? It's time to get Fido to DOG GYM! At Dog Gym we have Puppy-robics classes every day from noon til three, we have personal trainers available so that he can reach his weight loss goal, we have swim classes, Puppilates, weight training, kick boxing, and a newly-renovated cario room! In no time, your dog will go from "Ruff ruff..." to "Bow-WOW!" Those young bitches around town won't even recognize your buff mutt. Sign up today at DOG GYM!" HAHA!! Do you even know how much money I'd make? oh my gosh SO much money.

So, comrades, realize how wonderful America really is...because it's where there will always be some poor sucker who's willing to buy whatever junk you're peddling.